Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
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He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
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NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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