I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
