Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
