I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
