can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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