My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
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We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
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Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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