What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
