he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
