This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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