So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
