I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
