i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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