Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
