recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Randomize
