So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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