I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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