Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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