Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
