She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
