So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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