I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
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Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
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I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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