I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
