worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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