I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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