and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
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