dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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