I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
