Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
