I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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