I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
