I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
