If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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