So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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