she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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