Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
