quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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