Farmville is her only friend.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
