So drunk, too bad you don't want this
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
We are all done wearing pants today
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
