New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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