Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
