your thong is hanging out like whoa
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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