I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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