Oh shit. There are penis maracas
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
