I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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