This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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