I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
