god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
