I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
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