no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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