I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
