The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
