Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i love accidental penises.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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