Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Randomize
