her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
