You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
