I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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