Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
