I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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