sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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