Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
