so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Do you have feelings for this penis?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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