That arnold schwarzeneger picture looks strikingly similar to paul
Not half as good looking as paul
I'd say paul has bigger bicep peaks, but who am I to judge
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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