is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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