Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
