i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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